A difficult day

I’m not going to lie: today has been hard. Why?

1. I have a cold = congestion + hacking cough = no sleep at night. Oh, and I can’t take decongestants because I’m pregnant + baby is moving and kicking hard most nights = really guarantees no sleep! And when I don’t sleep I turn into a grumpy monster. I shudder to think what will happen when baby arrives and I get really sleep deprived.
2. I am having a “Am I fit to be a mother?” crisis moment. I recognise that this is something entirely normal, even though (like postpartum incontinence and sex during pregnancy) it’s something no one seems to like talking about, or owning up to having. But it’s still difficult to deal with lingering doubts about how I will navigate the crazy (but rewarding) world of motherhood. I’m not saying I’m not looking forward to it, but I can see some challenges ahead, and some days they feel bigger and scarier. Like today.
3. Due to 2) + 1) = P and I are fighting. There are also a few other things that are overwhelming us and (due to factors beyond our control) it’s been a turbulent time for a few weeks, with barely a break to catch a breath. Considering that he is my main source of support and joy here in Melbourne (much as I like and enjoy my friends here, my really close friendships are elsewhere) life is becoming a bit of a strain.

So, I write with two goals: catharsis; and also to report that bad days will happen to everyone, even those who seem to be doing well on the surface: I have a healthy pregnancy with minimal side effects, a fabulous marriage, rewarding work that I really enjoy, plus I still look fabulous (as everyone keeps telling me).

I’ll just take comfort in the facts above, and try to get some sleep tonight. And hope I feel better tomorrow.